Archive for the ‘Fiction’ Category

Classic confrontations

August 26th, 2011 No comments

My brain is a rich nest of useless trivia and random thoughts. In any given day, random fluff bubbles to the surface and cracks me up for no apparent reason. There is no rhyme nor reason to most of the idiocy that streams through my skull and I very rarely share the true oddities with anyone.

For that reason alone, you are in for some serious treats today as I bring you what I like to call: character versus character.

In my gourd I find if rather amusing to imagine what a given actor/actress’ characters would do if they faced each other in a fight to the finish. Sure, it’s pretty cool when you have two combat-ready “action hero” type characters, but entirely way more amusing when they aren’t.

Let’s start with an easy one.

Han Solo vs. Indiana Jones

This is practically a no-brainer. University of Chicago trained archeologist verus the scruffy nerf herder. Before he could even clear his whip, Indy would be on the ground because everyone knows that Han shoots first. That’s an end that even Indy wouldn’t complain about. Hell, while we are at it, let’s have Han put a few holes in Mutt Williams as well. I’m not a fan.

Yeah, now you see how it works. On to more.

Doogie Howser vs. Dr. Horrible

This could be a tough one. Sure, Doogie’s exceedingly annoying medical knowledge gives him an upper hand in having all the right anatomy knowledge to kill off Dr. Horrible quickly, but, at the same time, Dr. Horrible has his freeze ray. When it all comes down to it, though, Doogie learns an important life lesson in preparing for the battle and Dr. Horrible dies of boredom while Doogie is typing into his diary. Dr. Howser wins.

Verbal Kint vs. John Doe

Ooooh, creepy. Both of these guys would just stand across the room from each other smiling scarily. Hell, they’d probably have a pretty intense conversation about polyester trousers or something equally inane yet intriguing. Then, quite suddenly, Verbal would fall to the floor in about Se7en pieces (see what I did there?). With a slight nod of his head, John Doe would exit the room.

Legolas vs. Will Turner

Yeah, Legolas is an elf. Will would be so full of holes so fast that Will wouldn’t even be aware that there was a fight on. To add insult to injury, Legolas would probably “surf” Will’s body down some stairs or something. It seems to be his thing.

Sweeny Todd vs. Edward Scissorhands
Once Sweeny Todd got done singing about how old Eddie was about to become a pile of meat for pies, he’d probably dramatically storm out of the arena. Edward, being the simple guy he is, would stand there looking comically confused and wait for the good Mr. Todd to return for the fray. Both would eventually die of either old age or at someone else’s hand because they were confused by the intial instructions. Well played, sirs.

Professor Xavier vs. Captain Picard
Oooooh, the passive-aggressive fight of the century! Picard has some serious Starfleet hand-to-hand training, but the Prof. has the ability to read and control minds. Professor X opens the conflict with his signature move of putting his fingers to his temples and Picard launches into issuing orders. As the wavy lines start emanating from Xavier’s chrome dome, Picard begins gathering up his team of officers in the “ready room.” When that doesn’t work and Picard heads out to visit Guinan at Ten Forward, Professor Xavier lobotomizes himself out of the sheer frustration of the existence of a leader who can’t make a damn decision on his own. Picard is later assimilated by the Borg and left to a lifetime trying to boot OS/2.

I never said my brain made sense.


August 19th, 2010 No comments

I can be a horrible creature of habit. For example, if I don’t hit the comic book store on Wednesday I get panicky as all hell. Granted, I’m usually weeks behind on my reading, so I won’t even get to the books that I’m purchasing for several weeks, but I have to hit the shop on Wednesday. Irrational? Yes, but who doesn’t have an irrational behavior or twelve?

Similarly, I have a list of books (comic and conventional) that I tend to read over and over and over. I’m not sure if this is a unique behavior (I would think not) — but who knows?

The first of these books is Umberto Eco’s Foucault’s Pendulum. This book opened so many doors into my budding love of secret societies and cults back when I was in high school. It’s a fantastic story of “what if we make up a conspiracy to sell some books” that gets way way out of hand.

This is a book I read about once every two years just to keep the material (and paranoia) fresh. After I read the Da Vinci Code, I immediately read Foucault’s Pendulum to cleanse my palette. This is a book that was shelved with its own concordance when I first picked it up. Shit like that makes me do a happy dance.

The most important book that I read over and over and over is The Illuminatus! Trilogy by Robert Anton Wilson. Anyone who knows me well should read this book just to see how my brain works. I’m not saying this book will change your life or anything, but THIS BOOK WILL CHANGE YOUR LIFE!!!!!!

I read this book every year without fail. Sometimes I read it twice just for good measure. I’ve already finished my first reading of 2010 and I’ll probably pick it up again after I finish reading the odd young adult fantasy series I’m reading now (Fablehaven for those who are interested).

The third multi-read book I keep close at hand is of the comic variety. Warren Ellis’ Transmetropolitan.

Spider Jerusalem is almost as bad ass as Warren Ellis himself and Transmet (as those in the know are oft to call it) is the ultimate in dystopian futures. It’s got drugs, politics, social commentary and oodles and oodles of bad attitude. The fact that it makes me giggle like a little girl is just the gravy on the cake.

While it is always nice to read Transmet all the way through, if I need a quick fix, I read what amounts to the first collected volumes.

Warren Ellis’ Crooked Little Vein is also quickly crawling up as being one of those books I’ll read over and over, but I need to give it a third read just to make sure.

So, gentle blog reader, any books you revisit on a regular basis?

Watch out Starsky and Hutch

June 1st, 2010 No comments

For the past couple of days I’ve been up in the mountains of New Mexico breathing clean air (a novel concept for most Dallasites) and tromping around at an elevation that would give most Texans vertigo.

I’m not sure if it was the hypoxia or the ethereal creativity that seems to float around in the air like the damn cottonwood fluff is right now, but ideas seemed to come to me pretty easily while I was slacking off. It might have also been a type of vision quest brought on by the sheer amounts of chile (red and green) that I consumed over the three day period. Either way, I don’t care.

The first of my ideas that I was really excited to commit to paper was my ace in the hole: a treatment for a television pilot that would be a guaranteed grand-slam. A cross-cultural buddy cop dramedy hit that has the potential to change the way the world looks at itsself: “Hyde & Sikh.”

The concept is pretty simple; in a freak accident, Dr. Henry Jekyll is transported from Victorian England to the 1970′s stuck in his Mr. Edward Hyde transformation. After wandering the Earth (like Caine) for more than a decade, Hyde settles in San Francisco and joins the police force. After quickly making detective, Hyde is partnered with the new hotshot transfer from Hong Kong by way of Punjab: Vikram Gony. Together they are Hyde and Sikh: dispelling prejudices and squashing crimes in the Bay Area.

The episodes practically write themselves.

Even hillbillies have the internet now

February 8th, 2010 No comments

I found this story on the internets this evening. It’s just proof that some people just share too much

Categories: Fiction, Popular Culture

The Legend of Pao’ !Mo-Loki Keeble Drax

December 3rd, 2009 No comments

I wrote this back in April 2006 and stumbled across it this morning and thought I’d share it here. I believe it was an exercise in attempting to prove that if you are willing to make up some pretty obnoxious names, anyone can be a fantasy writer.

In the steppes outside the great hidden city lies a great temple. In the great temple sits the shrine to Pao !Mo-Loki Keeble Drax: the great warrior monkey of the Fourth Klattac. Grasped in the great gnarled paw of Pao !Mo-Loki Keeble Drax is a great Fork of great import. From astride his mighty Vulad, Pao !Mo-Loki Keeble Drax inspired the great armies of the Fourth Klattac with this great Fork to overthrow the oppressive Critasholnara and cast them into the Boiling Sea.

While the odds were against the Judromps of the Fourth Klattac, perseverance and the stirring motivation of Pao !Mo-Loki Keeble Drax granted them steady hands and true aim.

The fact that the Judromps of the Fourth Klattac were outnumbered and outgunned by the great battalions of the Critasholnara did nothing to bend their spirit. Pao !Mo-Loki Keeble Drax had spent the previous four cycles meeting with each of the Yessups of the Judromps in preparation for the liberation assault. Wielding his great Fork over the councils of the Yessups solidified Pao !Mo-Loki Keeble Drax as a natural leader and brought the peoples of the Fourth Klattac together in a unified effort not seen since the Twelfth Era.

Amidst the second wave of attacks, Pao !Mo-Loki Keeble Drax sensed the morale of the Judromps failing and, with it, the last hopes of the Fourth Klattac. Fetching his great Fork from its ceremonial stantchion, Pao !Mo-Loki Keeble Drax leapt to his Vulad and headed into the fray to rescue the hopes and dreams of all the Fourth Klattac.

Feeding off the raw power of the great monkey warrior in the throws of battle, the Judromps surged forward against the Critasholnara. Unfortunately, in the sixth wave of attacks, an errant atlatl dart pierced the chest of the mighty monkey. Faltering not in his mount, Pao !Mo-Loki Keeble Drax continued the charge while his lifes blood flowed forth from the most mortal of wounds.

Carried back to his tent during the eighth wave by his Yessups, Pao !Mo-Loki Deeble Drax perished attempting to once again mount his Vulad and charge back into the maelstrom.

Such an inspiration to the Fourth Klattac was the valor and death of Pao !Mo-Loki Keeble Drax that they quickly redoubled their efforts and finally overcame the Critasholnara in the thirteenth wave.

On the ground where life finally left the great Pao !Mo-Loki Keeble Drax, great Fork still grasped in his paw, plans were drawn to erect a mighty temple and shrine. It took the builders of the Fourth Klattac forty-two cycles to complete, but the radiant splendor of the end result brought tears even the most battle-hardened Yessups eyes.

The period of the construction of the great temple was considered a period of mourning for the Fourth Klattac as their inspiring leader and motivator had yet to have a final resting place worthy of his accomplishments. Once the dedication of the temple was completed, a colossal feast and celebration, dedicated to the heroic Pao !Mo-Loki Keeble Drax was undertaken. As a final symbol of honor, all the forks from this great feast were placed around the great golden shrine for Pao !Mo-Loki Keeble Drax. Even today it is customary to bring a fork to honor the legend that was Pao !Mo-Loki Keeble Drax.

The temple also has a large gift shop. I hear they make a spectacular egg cream.

Categories: Fiction, monkey