So, basically all day today I’ve been trying to pithily pontificate the joys and wonders of Star Wars: this being the unofficial holiday of one of the greatest Sci-Fi properties in the history of Man.

For all that Star Wars means to me, it is a downright crime that I haven’t done much writing about the subject.

Basically stated, I’m a huge Star Wars nerd. I couldn’t tell you how many different copies of the original trilogy I have on VHS and DVD, and the amount of Star Wars ephemera that occupies my house borders on ridiculous.

I’ve read all of the novels of the Expanded Universe (and actually like those characters and scenarios better than what I’ve seen on the screen so far), collected trinkets from the four corners of the Earth with “Lucasfilm, LTD.” stamped on them and I’m a tad embarrassed at the amount of money I’ve spent on individual action figures.

All that and I find it incredibly hard to write about. It seems that only when I get hot under the collar (reference my “heated” Why, George, Why? blog from last year) do I delve into my Lucas-inspired nerdery.

To be honest, I often only talk about Star Wars to address the things I’m not happy with. I guess that’s all part of being a “critical” fan. Why can’t I just be happy with Wookies, Mandalorians, Jedi, Sith, etc. and ignore the horrible gaffs like Episodes I-III, the Marvel Comics and Rokur Gepta? To that end, why must I justify my love of the Expanded Universe to “purist” fans who find it anathema to look beyond the six movies (does the Christmas Special count?)?

Oh wait. I know. Star Wars fans just LOVE to complain. We bitch about “special editions,” proposed “ultimate editions,” lack of Blu-Rays, lack of the “Yub Yub” song, being a little short for a Stormtrooper and a bajillion other little things that just bug the ever-loving shit out of us. In general we will sit in awed silence for ninety minutes at a time, and many of us will still tear up at the “I know” line on Bespin during Empire Strikes Back, but when that is all over, it’s right back to the bitching.

Honestly, I should really focus my attentions on mocking continuity-lacking Trekkies or those freaks who stuck through Battlestar Galactica (and I don’t mean the one with Lorne Greene).

I’m a slow learner. Rather, I’m a stubborn learner who doesn’t pay any attention nor know any better when it comes to certain topics that “blind” me. First and foremost of these is Star Wars.

I have quite the different perspective on that “Galaxy far far away” than most typical casual fans. Over the past twenty years, I’ve read almost all Star Wars related comic books and definitely all Star Wars novels (there are a lot more than you’d think). Over this time, I have developed a much larger appreciation for what is known as the Expanded Universe than just the handful of films that were made.

I found it delightful that George Lucas created this incredible base of worlds and characters and then had the foresight to establish continuity ground rules related to stretching out beyond film; causing all the various Star Wars-related novels to fall into a singular timeline.

Different authors, writing to their different strengths, have developed fantastic characters outside of the major six or seven and really developed a broad variety of cultures and even, to some extent, language.

Now George has stepped in and changed some things that I see as pretty damn important.

For those not nearly as geeky as myself, I refer to the recent retconning of the Mandalorian culture in the Star Wars: Clone Wars cartoon.

Here’s a two minute primer into the Mandalorians. Everyone familiar with Star Wars knows Boba Fett and Jango Fett. Both of them were Mandalorians. What a lot may not know is that the Mandalorians are a nomadic group of beings made up of multiple species organized in clans who often fill the role of mercenaries or bounty hunters. The commonality amongst them being honor and pride in the community and rabid devotion to their clan. Think of them as the Star Wars equivalent to Viking or Celtic tribes.

This has been beautifully developed in novels (Karen Traviss’ works especially) and comic books.

Now, however, it appears that George has turned the Mandalorians into a peaceful race with a militant faction called “Death Watch” (not unheard of in both comics and novels previously) that is seeking to overthrow the peaceful Mandalorian leaders.

I call shabla osik! It seems that the worst thing George Lucas has done since releasing his first three movies is staying involved creatively in the property. I’ll agree that the Clone Wars as a concept were a pretty good development from the second three batch of movies, but that is about it for those.

C’mon George, take some time off and enjoy your billions of dollars and leave the storytelling to those talented people who actually give a damn about the fans.

I noticed a quite disturbing trend the other day when I was wasting time at my local big box electronics store: the “25th Anniversary” trend in DVDs.

Everywhere I looked, the stuff that was cool as shit in my formidable years was suddenly celebrating a quarter of a century of existence. I realize that I’ve killed enough brain cells to honestly have a missing year or two, but this is scary.

Remember The Last Starfighter? It’s freakin’ 25 years old and they’re putting it out on Blu-ray! Now you can see spaceman Harold Hill in 1080P! If that doesn’t scare you enough, then pick up Cujo because it’s 25 years old as well. I’m not even going to go into how depressing it is that movies like The Blues Brothers and Pink Floyd – The Wall are pushing 30 this year. That’s just too depressing.

If aging movies aren’t enough, think about the television of your (meaning mine) childhood and how it’s faring.

The Bill Cosby show and it’s awesomely awful sweaters is 25. Have you seen Rudy lately? She’s gone from the sweet baby of the family to now (apparently) playing some reformed con artist. That’s just plain sad.

Even though Optimus Prime is kicking it in living color on the big screen (with a newly-found mouth at that), the original Transformerscartoon is celebrating 25 years this year. That tells me that GoBots, Thundercats, Dungeons & Dragons, Hulk Hogan’s Rock ‘n’ Wrestling and M.A.S.K. are all that old. Hell, by 1985, He-Man was already off the air!

I’m going to go curl up and cry at my childhood now.

I’m a child of the 80′s. Sure there was a lot of horrible stuff went on (Iran-Contra, Reaganomics, parachute pants), but it was definitely a simpler time for simpler people.

A simpler time for simpler tastes, and my simple tastes were largely cartoon oriented. Cut me some slack, I was ten years old in 1984. It wasn’t until a couple of years later that I even knew who George Orwell was or why the year was so significant. I watched the hell out of Transformers, M.A.S.K., Voltron, Robotech, Tranzor-Z, and, my personal favorite, G.I. Joe.

I had nearly as much G.I. Joe crap as I did Star Wars crap. My brother and I held constant battles with some of the coolest toys ever to be made, and that was all fueled by the cartoon.

This weekend my darling squeezle bought for me The absolute ultimate G.I. Joe box set ever, and, throwing her own sanity to the wind, watched about six hours of the masterpiece with me. Sure, she did fall asleep during part of The MASS Device, but it’s totally excusable.

After watching a bunch of these episodes in a row I’ve discovered a few things that actually surprise me.

First off, when I was a kid, I remember Dukebeing a total badass. From the first six hours of cartoon that I’ve watched so far, Duke has spent way more time being a prisoner of Cobra than actually fighting. What the hell is up with that? Sure, being a P.O.W. is heroic and I would never denigrate that, but getting captured repeatedly is just moronic. Yeah, I said it, Duke is a moron.

My second “WTF” moment was the realization that Snake Eyesis constantly getting called on the radio. No lie, the line “Snake Eyes, are you there?” happened several times in the first couple of episodes alone. Hey Joes, can’t you remember that your elite ninja guy is mute? I’m just not thinking he’s going to answer that damn radio.

Third, everyone in G.I. Joe is a horrible shot. I can understand making all the guns “magically” lasers because there is just no way to market a cartoon where 3/4 of the time on the show is spent with the heroes and villains reloading their guns. Plus, in the eventuality that anyone gets hit, a laser shot is way cleaner than being hit by a bullet. Not that anyone ever gets hit. For an elite squad, G.I. Joe, quite literally, cannot hit the broad side of a tank from thirty yards.

All in all, while these things bug me, it’s not like I’m going to stop watching the episodes, or, heaven forbid, reevaluate my childhood. The lessons I learned from G.I. Joe I carry with me even today. For example, did you know that apple seeds are slightly poisonous? G.I. Joe taught me that.

It’s undeniable. Any Scooby-head worth their salt always knew to look out for Velma. Now, Travis Pitts (who does some freakin’ amazing designs) and Threadless put out what could be one of the best Scooby-related articles of clothing yet. This Velma could probably even give Buffy, Wichita and even Eden Sinclair a run for their money. This shirt deserves to be in your wardrobe. It has that “yeah, I might spend my nights glued to the Boomerang channel, but dollars to dead-guys you’ll be running to me when the zombpocolypse starts” vibe to it.

You always had to figure that Freddy, Daphne and Shaggy were nothing more than dead weight. Right Scoob?

found at Threadless