My brain is a rich nest of useless trivia and random thoughts. In any given day, random fluff bubbles to the surface and cracks me up for no apparent reason. There is no rhyme nor reason to most of the idiocy that streams through my skull and I very rarely share the true oddities with anyone.

For that reason alone, you are in for some serious treats today as I bring you what I like to call: character versus character.

In my gourd I find if rather amusing to imagine what a given actor/actress’ characters would do if they faced each other in a fight to the finish. Sure, it’s pretty cool when you have two combat-ready “action hero” type characters, but entirely way more amusing when they aren’t.

Let’s start with an easy one.

Han Solo vs. Indiana Jones

This is practically a no-brainer. University of Chicago trained archeologist verus the scruffy nerf herder. Before he could even clear his whip, Indy would be on the ground because everyone knows that Han shoots first. That’s an end that even Indy wouldn’t complain about. Hell, while we are at it, let’s have Han put a few holes in Mutt Williams as well. I’m not a fan.

Yeah, now you see how it works. On to more.

Doogie Howser vs. Dr. Horrible

This could be a tough one. Sure, Doogie’s exceedingly annoying medical knowledge gives him an upper hand in having all the right anatomy knowledge to kill off Dr. Horrible quickly, but, at the same time, Dr. Horrible has his freeze ray. When it all comes down to it, though, Doogie learns an important life lesson in preparing for the battle and Dr. Horrible dies of boredom while Doogie is typing into his diary. Dr. Howser wins.

Verbal Kint vs. John Doe

Ooooh, creepy. Both of these guys would just stand across the room from each other smiling scarily. Hell, they’d probably have a pretty intense conversation about polyester trousers or something equally inane yet intriguing. Then, quite suddenly, Verbal would fall to the floor in about Se7en pieces (see what I did there?). With a slight nod of his head, John Doe would exit the room.

Legolas vs. Will Turner

Yeah, Legolas is an elf. Will would be so full of holes so fast that Will wouldn’t even be aware that there was a fight on. To add insult to injury, Legolas would probably “surf” Will’s body down some stairs or something. It seems to be his thing.

Sweeny Todd vs. Edward Scissorhands
Once Sweeny Todd got done singing about how old Eddie was about to become a pile of meat for pies, he’d probably dramatically storm out of the arena. Edward, being the simple guy he is, would stand there looking comically confused and wait for the good Mr. Todd to return for the fray. Both would eventually die of either old age or at someone else’s hand because they were confused by the intial instructions. Well played, sirs.

Professor Xavier vs. Captain Picard
Oooooh, the passive-aggressive fight of the century! Picard has some serious Starfleet hand-to-hand training, but the Prof. has the ability to read and control minds. Professor X opens the conflict with his signature move of putting his fingers to his temples and Picard launches into issuing orders. As the wavy lines start emanating from Xavier’s chrome dome, Picard begins gathering up his team of officers in the “ready room.” When that doesn’t work and Picard heads out to visit Guinan at Ten Forward, Professor Xavier lobotomizes himself out of the sheer frustration of the existence of a leader who can’t make a damn decision on his own. Picard is later assimilated by the Borg and left to a lifetime trying to boot OS/2.

I never said my brain made sense.

I’m a slow learner. Rather, I’m a stubborn learner who doesn’t pay any attention nor know any better when it comes to certain topics that “blind” me. First and foremost of these is Star Wars.

I have quite the different perspective on that “Galaxy far far away” than most typical casual fans. Over the past twenty years, I’ve read almost all Star Wars related comic books and definitely all Star Wars novels (there are a lot more than you’d think). Over this time, I have developed a much larger appreciation for what is known as the Expanded Universe than just the handful of films that were made.

I found it delightful that George Lucas created this incredible base of worlds and characters and then had the foresight to establish continuity ground rules related to stretching out beyond film; causing all the various Star Wars-related novels to fall into a singular timeline.

Different authors, writing to their different strengths, have developed fantastic characters outside of the major six or seven and really developed a broad variety of cultures and even, to some extent, language.

Now George has stepped in and changed some things that I see as pretty damn important.

For those not nearly as geeky as myself, I refer to the recent retconning of the Mandalorian culture in the Star Wars: Clone Wars cartoon.

Here’s a two minute primer into the Mandalorians. Everyone familiar with Star Wars knows Boba Fett and Jango Fett. Both of them were Mandalorians. What a lot may not know is that the Mandalorians are a nomadic group of beings made up of multiple species organized in clans who often fill the role of mercenaries or bounty hunters. The commonality amongst them being honor and pride in the community and rabid devotion to their clan. Think of them as the Star Wars equivalent to Viking or Celtic tribes.

This has been beautifully developed in novels (Karen Traviss’ works especially) and comic books.

Now, however, it appears that George has turned the Mandalorians into a peaceful race with a militant faction called “Death Watch” (not unheard of in both comics and novels previously) that is seeking to overthrow the peaceful Mandalorian leaders.

I call shabla osik! It seems that the worst thing George Lucas has done since releasing his first three movies is staying involved creatively in the property. I’ll agree that the Clone Wars as a concept were a pretty good development from the second three batch of movies, but that is about it for those.

C’mon George, take some time off and enjoy your billions of dollars and leave the storytelling to those talented people who actually give a damn about the fans.

I noticed a quite disturbing trend the other day when I was wasting time at my local big box electronics store: the “25th Anniversary” trend in DVDs.

Everywhere I looked, the stuff that was cool as shit in my formidable years was suddenly celebrating a quarter of a century of existence. I realize that I’ve killed enough brain cells to honestly have a missing year or two, but this is scary.

Remember The Last Starfighter? It’s freakin’ 25 years old and they’re putting it out on Blu-ray! Now you can see spaceman Harold Hill in 1080P! If that doesn’t scare you enough, then pick up Cujo because it’s 25 years old as well. I’m not even going to go into how depressing it is that movies like The Blues Brothers and Pink Floyd – The Wall are pushing 30 this year. That’s just too depressing.

If aging movies aren’t enough, think about the television of your (meaning mine) childhood and how it’s faring.

The Bill Cosby show and it’s awesomely awful sweaters is 25. Have you seen Rudy lately? She’s gone from the sweet baby of the family to now (apparently) playing some reformed con artist. That’s just plain sad.

Even though Optimus Prime is kicking it in living color on the big screen (with a newly-found mouth at that), the original Transformerscartoon is celebrating 25 years this year. That tells me that GoBots, Thundercats, Dungeons & Dragons, Hulk Hogan’s Rock ‘n’ Wrestling and M.A.S.K. are all that old. Hell, by 1985, He-Man was already off the air!

I’m going to go curl up and cry at my childhood now.

So, now that Nic Cage is doing  pretty much nothing but being Disney’s bitch boy (I would actually love to be in that position), he’s throwing off all the pretense that he tried, at one point, to be a serious, dramatic actor.

Normally I would abhor any attempt at making an “adaptation” of a segment of the genius that is Fantasia, but, if you look at it as in no way related, the trailer for The Sorcerer’s Apprentice actually looks halfway decent.

It does, of course, also have the superglue that binds Nic Cage and Disney together: Jerry Bruckheimer. As long as there is no reference to the founding fathers or any attempted clever juxtoposition of sunglasses and Who songs, I might even enjoy this flick.

Besides, they even tried to kill a crowd of people while making this one.

I hate the Twilight series.

I know that “hate” is a strong emotion to throw out there, and I almost feel bad about it since I really don’t know much about the Twilight series, but I hate it.

First off, Twilight is not about vampires. Vampires generally have more weaknesses than just sparkling in sunlight. What the hell is that all about anyway? I’m pretty sure most strippers sparkle in sunlight thanks to “stripper dust,” does that make them vampires? Are Edward and crew really strippers? At best, the Twilight “vamps” are nothing more than hybrid gothy emokids. That’s deadly enough it its own right. At the worst, Edward is a pedophile. Isn’t he like hundreds of years old and still dating high school girls? Even Matthew McConaughey got over that.

I realize that I’m getting older, and that one of the first signs one is getting older is that the stuff the “younger folk” obsess over is annoying as hell. There, I found a reason I can justifiably hate Twilight: it makes me feel old.

That’s just not the best excuse.

I’m a vampire fan. I’ve watched some pretty terrible movies solely because there was vampy-time somewhere in the middle. In fact, I probably prefer terrible vampire movies to the really well done ones. I even buy into the concept that there are a whole mess of different varieties of vampires. I just don’t think Stephanie Meyer knows what the toss a vampire is.

That’s not even a good excuse.

Do I really need a good excuse?

Screw it, make mine Team Edward.